The Missing Link to Happiness

Since starting with my new psychiatrist, I’ve managed to work on a book and a screenplay. Ideally, I’d be able to read and write all day, which would make me the best at my job I could possibly be. What would also be great would be if I were satisfied with the progress I have made, but I’m not. I like writing stories and have a big library in my Kindle app, but I have a degree in Integrated Digital Media from NYU. I have always wanted to use that degree to make a living, but figuring out how has been a challenge. The question is if that disappointment alone is why I feel like the medications, the Ketamine, and the psychotherapy are not enough. 

I have one nurse practitioner at the Ketamine clinic who has seen a lot of me in the last two years. She’s asked me on several occasions if the Ketamine is helping. My honest answer has been yes at times, but other times it has been that it was not helping enough, but I don’t know what my other options are. What I’ve been told by the anesthesiologist that runs the clinic is that it is unusual for a patient to get Ketamine infusions every week. I’ve learned that if I don’t go that often, my depression takes a turn for the worst. In the last month, that same nurse practitioner asked me for the first time in a while if I thought the Ketamine was helping and this time I said I didn’t know. 

I also learned from the anesthesiologist that new data is coming out showing Neurontin, which I have been taking longer than Ketamine, can cause Ketamine to not be as effective as it otherwise would. My psychiatrist feels like there might be other options to treat my anxiety and depression. He also said that meaningful activities will be important to sustain my mental health. I don’t disagree, but I also feel like it’s important to figure out why when I was a student at NYU, I felt so productive and how can I feel that way again after more than ten years of severe mental struggle. 

The good thing is that my anesthesiologist and psychiatrist know each other and have been in contact regarding my case. They agree that changes should be made slowly and one at a time. In addition to the psychiatrist I see for medication, I also have a psychologist I see for therapy that is very quick to respond to texts outside of session. I’ve never had a therapist who reads texts so thoroughly, which feels like a blessing, but it’s overwhelming and financially taxing that I have to see a psychiatrist for medication once a week or every two weeks and get Ketamine every week. My hope is that one day the frequency of Ketamine and medication checkups will be less necessary so that I can have more money for recreational activities and more time to pursue my writing career.  I have also set a goal to have a published novel in less than two years, even if I have to self-publish.